Friendzone My Ass

So first off, let’s define the word:

Friendzone – When a member of the opposite sex (usually one you want to hook up with) declares you to be “just a friend”, thereby ruining all potential chances of sex.

Then there are these jokes:

And let’s not forget ‘Friendzone Fiona’

Well first I felt bad for these type of guys. They’re the ones who could build potential, long-lasting relationships, but are rejected because there are those other guys who get the girls even if they don’t deserve them (e.g. The douches, a-holes, you get the drill). Thus the ‘nice guys finish last’ motto. Sad face.

And then after much deliberation and contemplation (not to mention watching Laci Green videos), I have come to a conclusion that this is not entirely the bad guys or girls’ fault. They (oh wait, we, because I’m a girl) are not the only people responsible for your lack of action.

First of all, let’s have a look at the definition itself. Being friends with a girl does not, I repeat DOES NOT,  mean she owes you sex, or even a chance for sex. If that is your main agenda for your friendship then I don’t even think that counts as friendship.

Okay granted that you are not even that perverted and just want hippy-dippy skinny love, there is still fault on your side. Which brings us to the second point that the reason why those what we call ‘bad guys’ get the girls because they are assertive and confident, and are presenting themselves in a way we want them to see: which is a potential partner. It’s your fault that you presented yourself as nothing of a romantic interest. So obviously, we will have the notion that you just want to be friends.  Can you blame us for that? You can’t just go whining and calling girls names just because we treat you friends when that’s all you make us want to see you. We’re not mind-readers, speak up!

Yes, friendship is a good foundation for romance, but when the time comes that you think you want to go to the next zone, you have got to give the girl a head’s up. Or else some other guy will come along, someone with clear intentions, that will get her. And then you have no one to blame but yourself, bombard your thoughts with ‘what ifs’. And if you get rejected, then it’s better than forever waiting in agony. Get it over with!

Who Is Your Unicorn?

In modern times, when people no longer think about horses with horns that have magical restorative properties, the concept of a unicorn takes on new meaning. Your unicorn is someone in your life who represents the tension between desire and impossibility; a love that never manifests itself in a traditional sense of the term, but is derived from absence as opposed to presence.

Everything about this person screams “almost” — you “almost” dated; you “almost” fell in love; you “almost” changed your life to be near them; you “almost” drifted through life without engaging with them at all. Like the mythical unicorn, you can never concretely have this person, you can often only grasp at their essence.

Unicorns are rare: you only have one. You likely encountered this person during your formative years, when Robert Frost poems still meant something to you. Below are some key points that can help you in identifying your unicorn. But above all of these points, trust your gut: the identity of your unicorn in most cases will reveal itself to you almost immediately, as long as you are honest with yourself. Sometimes, this discovery can be a little frightening.

1. Unobvious physical attraction. There’s a siren song in this beauty — something that drills down to your core. This could be a quirk (physical or mental) that can be polarizing or unconventional to others, but something that ultimately just sh-ts serotonin into your brain. Remember, not everybody thinks a horn in the center of your forehead is cute. And that’s just fine.

2. The worst timing ever. Timing and social connectivity are the bane of developing a traditional relationship with your unicorn. Very often, it works like this: you’re single when they’re committed, or they’re single when you’re busy struggling with your self-identify, or you’re too busy daydreaming about the mundane reality of a long-distance relationship while they’re shooting you starry-eyed laser beams across the room in your media ethics class. If you could select any time for your unicorn to appear, it certainly wouldn’t be at these moments of pure inconvenience.

3. Reciprocation and climax. This is absolutely fundamental to identifying your unicorn. If the feeling between you and this person isn’t mutual, then they are not your unicorn. Congratulations, you have identified an unrequited love/crush/lust/fuck buddy (pick the most appropriate option) that you’re not 100% over. In some mythologies, unicorns seek out and select you; it’s a relationship that’s shared as opposed to being one-sided. In addition, there’s almost always a climax: sometimes it’s a pure sexual act, other times it’s a conversation about how these feelings have protruded through your flesh for an extended period of time.

Here’s what happened to me.

I unknowingly met my unicorn during my freshman year of college. Back then, she was just the cute girl with perfectly gauged ears and Bane T-shirts who I failed to acknowledge because of my shyness. But I noticed her pop up in places over the next four years: eating bagels at the student center, drinking Miller Lite at the only interesting bar on campus, working side-by-side with me on the college newspaper. Then, at the last possible moment, we were realized.

She appeared at a house party days before our final set of college exams. We had never been at a party together. It was the first time we shared real words beyond classroom banter. We never even properly greeted each other — it was like we jumped back into the middle of a conversation that had started four years before, when we picked each other up on our hearts’ sonar.

We snuck off into a spare room and kissed for what felt like a dynasty. I could feel a chapter about this moment beings etched into my brain. And then, two weeks later, we graduated. I left for D.C., she was bound for Pittsburgh, and our lives changed forever, as we became actual adults. As short-lived as it was, the concept of an “us” was over and done. We never dated. We definitely tried to fight the distance and do so. But we didn’t, and that’s just fine.

Most people treat the departure of their unicorn like an ex who stole their favorite Cat Power vinyl and broke up with them on their birthday — the unicorn is pushed into the darkest, deepest caves of their memory never to be recovered again because of the powerful and painful longing associated with their unicorn. Whatever you do with your unicorn, don’t do this. Keep this person close.

Identifying your unicorn can be the codex to decrypting your complex inner workings. When everything in life feels like it belongs in a blighted landfill, your unicorn can help clean it up and empower you to grow in a way that’s beyond mere friendship, you are bound with your unicorn through your pulse.

Your unicorn is a catalyst for all the best things about you; they have the Game Genie codes to help you conquer your own life on an intrepid scale. Mine gave me the strength to overcome pushing reset on my life in two different cities, begin developing a healthy relationship with my body and let me know that it’s okay to follow my heart even when the sum of the facts around me don’t make any sense. And that’s just off the top of my head. Remember trust falls? Remember what nonsense they were? The stabilization your unicorn can provide is like a trust fall that camps out in your soul forever.

Life is hard. Know your unicorn.

(source)

The Lucky One

So I just watched ‘The Lucky One’ and only because my mom wanted it more than The Avengers (Don’t throw tomatoes at me). I had a serious headache afterwards, and my mom, my mom told me I was a man hater. Talk about hasty. I don’t know what you are all going to think of me after I say this, and frankly my dears I don’t give a damn, but I tend to stay away from Nicholas Sparks novels as much as possible. I’m not hating, he’s a great writer, I’ve read Dear John and The Last Song. But I found him too cliche when it came to relationships and destiny and serendipity. And maybe that’s partially why his books are so in-demand, hopeless-romantic people (not to mention Filipinos, pocket books anyone?) are engrossed with the idea that the perfect person will come at the perfect time and place. I get that, we all want that.

But then again, we don’t always get what we want, don’t we?

And sometimes it’s just sad that people, not to mention girls, have this great expectations on their perfect guys: TD&H, 3M, smart, funny, Tom Felton (Oh wait, that’s just me). Also that they’ll swoon you and sweep you off your feet and it will make your knees melt and undies fall down.

He/She will come, and chances are they’re already there, but know this: it won’t be based on Sparks’ or Austen’s or Precious Heart Moments’ authors. It can be chaotic, unexpected, and downright kuhraaazy. And it wouldn’t matter because when you find it, the main point is not to let it go. Which makes Sparks right that sometimes the most ordinary things can be made extraordinary, simply by doing them with the right people.

P.S. Zac Efron has the best bedroom eyes. Yum.

No Means No

After an unfortunate event, I have come to a realization about the male species. At first I was appalled, they were supposed to be logical. Can’t they take a hint? I don’t want to say that they’re stupid, but are they? And then I was terrified, being the prude that I am I was afraid of other girls out there who could have not been strong enough or observant to leave before things got worse.

There is this canny characteristic of males, that when the females are a tease, they ask for more.

Okay, maybe somehow girls are a tease. But honestly, what is so wrong with that? It was the status quo, girls were designed to be pursued. You don’t see any girl courting a guy in this part of the country. If they wanted that, then they should move to where that is socially acceptable. If they can’t then sorry my boy, you’re going to have to suck it up.

There is a difference between boys and men.

Not all girls are teases, there are some that just says plain ‘no’. How is that so hard to understand? How can you not tell? When they said no, it’s clearly a no. When did a no became a yes? What country, what planet, what universe?

And don’t even say that they asked for it. Preys don’t parade themselves to their impending death. How can some guys be so thick?

‘No’ sounds like ‘no’, in the true sense of the word. It doesn’t sound like a ‘yes’. It doesn’t look like it. It doesn’t mean it as well. Use your brain, and have respect. Not every girl wants to get in a guy’s, err, pants.

An Imagined Girls Night With Katniss Everdeen, Hermione Granger, Bella Swan And Buffy Summers

Buffy: Hi girls! Thanks for joining me for this Heroines of Pop Culture ladies night. Sookie called to say she’s sad she couldn’t make it. But no worries! I brought the zinfandel.

Bella: I only drink red.

Hermione: I’ll have some! I’m really excited about this ladies night. I only hang with boys.

Katniss: You’re willing to feed me something?!?!? I’ll eat whatever you are willing to give me. I’m even cool with mouse entrails.

Buffy: Well, we’re fresh out of those…

Bella: Got any blood?

Buffy: You know who you’re asking, right?

Katniss: Moving on… So, how was everyone’s week?

Hermione: Oh, same old. Quidditch match, Ron being a whiny, emotional middle-child, a few random assassination attempts by the Dark Lord, saving Potter from certain doom. Y’know, the usual stuff.

Buffy: I was saving the world.

Katniss: I was also saving the world!

Bella: I jumped off a cliff to get the attention of my ex-boyfriend.

…

Buffy: I’m sorry, what?

Bella: Well, he broke up with me, and I became all sad and stuff and it was the worst. I cried a lot and ate an entire jar of hummus.

Katniss: And then you decided to kill yourself?

Bella: Well, kind of. Mostly just to get his attention. I knew that either him or werewolf guy would save me.

Buffy: I still don’t get why you’re into that werewolf. Werewolves should totally have chest hair. Why doesn’t Jacob have chest hair?

Hermione: I have a spell for that.

Katniss: But also, werewolves. Gross. If you date him, Rick Santorum is totally going to be all over that and call it “interspecies dating.”

Hermione: Werewolves can totally date humans, even marry them! Or well… shapeshifter… human… types.

Bella: You guys! It’s not like that!! Plus, he’s totally convenient to have around when I need some attention and I’m not getting it from vampire man.

Katniss: What’s the deal with you people and dating vampires? You guys should try humans sometime.

Hermione: Preach.

Buffy: There’s nothing wrong with vampires. Minus their emotional unavailability, lack of reflection, and penchant for really rough sex.

Bella: The rough sex is great, although it’s super awkward that we have to keep buying new pillows every time.

Katniss: This conversation is getting weird. Can I have some of those Doritos?

Bella: So Katniss, who are you going to choose between Peeta and Gale?

Katniss: Well, I hadn’t really thought about it. Leading that whole revolution thing has left me super busy and all.

Bella: But who will it be!! Which one makes you feel complete inside?

Katniss: Um, neither? It’s mostly just trying to decide whether I want to have a good hunting partner or a boyfriend who knows how to work the bread machine.

Bella: OMG I have no idea what I would do in your situation. What about you, Buffy. Angel or Spike?

Buffy: Dating a vampire is totally crazy. They either lose their soul and try to murder everyone in your life, or they just want to use you as a sex object for their own confused, sadomasochistic love fantasies. Plus, I’m totally over guys who are trying to look like Billy Idol. I’m taking time to focus on myself.

Bella: Interesting. I disagree with you because I think vampires are soooo dreamy, but whatevs. What about you, Hermione: Harry or Ron?

Hermione: Um, Harry has always only been my friend. It’s always been Ron for me. But I thought tonight wasn’t talking about boys, and that’s all you seem to want to do! I came here for a girls night, not a “bitching about boys” night!

Katniss: I only care about guys when it comes to how they can help me save the world.

Buffy: Absolutely. We have far more exciting things to talk about. Like weapons.

Bella: But boys are obviously the emotional crux of our lives! Edward practically looks at me the wrong way and I go into a helpless, emotional coma for eight days! He is my absolute everything and I can’t be a functional human being without his existence! What else could be more important in your lives than your man?!?!? What the hell else could ever be harder in your lives?!?

…

Katniss: I’ve been kind of tied up dealing with this whole reality TV death match I’ve been forced into, that’s also turned into a full-scale rebellion against the leader of my dystopian, totalitarian society, all the while trying not to starve to death and provide for my family.

Hermione: I just had to wipe myself from the memories of my parents, as I set out on a road trip where my two best friends and I are being hunted by a band of insane fascists, working under the instructions of the wizarding equivalent of Hitler. One of them tortured me, and there is a constant fear of being hunted down and assassinated.

Buffy: I spend every single day of my life battling evil vampires, and am constantly saving the world from demons, angry Gods, and the Root of All Evil itself. My mother is dead and my sister isn’t technically a real person. I have technically died twice. You and your man troubles take the entire women’s movement back decades.

Bella: Hmmm, I think I’m going to take this moment to go to the washroom.

…

Katniss: Can we not invite her next time?

Hermione: Absolutely.

Buffy: Sorry you guys. I knew we should have called Ripley instead. Aliens are way more exciting. Next time we’ll do something cooler, like hunting down her entire vampire family.

Hermione: Or studying!

Katniss: I love hunting!!

Buffy: For the win! I love girls night.

(source)

How You Know

You want to travel with them. You want to see what they’re like going through airport security, on planes, in strange countries. You want to meet their families and charm them to pieces. You want to nestle into their childhood beds and look around in the dark at all their old posters. You want to see all the embarrassing photos of them with braces and socks pulled up mid-calf. You want to hear all the stories about their drunken nights under the bleachers and their best friend’s jokes. You want to read all their journals, see how they took notes in high school. Did they use pen or pencil? What color highlighter? You want to work with them, just to see them work. You want to go out with them. You want to make out with them in the bathroom. You always want to touch them; you want them to always want to touch you.

You find reasons to disentangle yourself from them; it’s only going to hurt later, you can tell already. You stay up way past your bedtime for them. You look at the clock and know their schedule. You neglect other people and other things, and beat yourself up about it. But it’s like they have a hold of your hands and your voice, and you don’t mind. It’s like you’re trapped in an hourglass; you know your lungs might fill with sand, but there’s something sensual and comforting about the grains sliding down glass walls and pooling around your ankles, your knees, your waist.

You like things about their appearance that the rest of the world may cringe at and call strange, less than perfect. Their broken, reshaped noses; their little teeth or the gaps in between them; the way they pull their hair; their narrow hips; their wide shoulders; the depth of their pores. You can laugh when funny things happen in bed. You usually want to be in bed with them.

You think they’re smarter, better, friendlier, fitter, happier, more productive than you are. You strive to be as much as they are, as good as they are. You try to cheat and figure out what it is they’re going to teach you, if they’re going to fall from grace, if you’re going to play a part for them that you never thought you’d play before. You try and pull patterns and threads of meaning from the conversation or the way they looked at you the first time you met; what they did, what they offered. An apple stolen from the bar. Notes from a guitar. Pitchers of free beer. Pieces of bark with writing on them.

You cherish snippets of them; paste them up in your memories like old faded scrapbooks clutched to chests for generations. Their skin glows black and white in your head. They star in the little short films of your life that sneak up on you when you’re not looking. Like the walk to the South End for dinner on a quiet corner. The feel of the sun beating down on you both at an outdoor concert. The way they ordered wine on your first date. The slow swing of a hammock near a lake. The back seat of their car.

You can see yourself with them in the future you can’t quite see. You build apartments outfitted with all the right kitchen supplies and the perfect bed with two nightstands, each piled with books and magazines. You wait for them patiently while they chase their dreams; they wait for you patiently as you chase yours. You sit in bed eating dinner late at night, drinking tea and wine and whiskey as you tell each other all about the chasing. You create adopted dogs and cats; you have awkward conversations about money; you put up with each other’s crap. You see what they look like standing at the end of a candle-lit aisle in your grassy front yard and wonder if you’ll make it to the other end to meet them or if they’ll just end up in the scrapbook clutched to your chest or flickering on the screen in your brain.

(source)

The Fear Of The Inevitable

So I didn’t really watch Lloydie and Angel’s (Ay feeling close? Hahahaha) most recent movie Unofficially Yours, but I found this quote from a social networking site that I spend too much time on:

Hindi mo lang alam. Gustong-gusto kitang mahalin, kaso natatakot ako. Natatakot akong masaktan. Ano na lang ang matitira sa akin kapag iniwan mo ako? Kasi habang lumalaki ang pakiramdam ko na minamahal kita, lumalaki din ang takot sa puso ko. Takot na akong masaktan muli. Minsan kasi sa buhay ko, may isang taong nagsabi din ng mga sinasabi mo ngayon. Pero anong nangyari? Iniwan din niya ako. Kaya mahirap na ring magtiwala ngayon.

If I’m not mistaken, that’s Angel’s line? So anyway, I don’t want to go all dramatic on you guys, and repeat myself over and over (and over and over… you get it) again, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit to you all that I for one am on the same page. Her character is practically written based on my life. But no, I am not sexually active, heavens no! The whole ‘I-will-never-be-attached’ story line is what I meant.

And don’t even think about lying to yourself, I know several people who feels exactly the same way. We might as well make a congregation. What should we name it? Landi Landi Lang Unisex Association of the Philippines? In short, LLLUAP. HAHAHAHAHA. Kidding. But it may be possible, who wants to register it to the local government?

So basically, what happened here was once upon a time, not so long ago, or maybe it was long ago you just can’t get over it, someone loved you and promised to do it until their last breath. As in, nag-pinky promise pa siya. And then BAM! They abandoned you, and you were so hurt you wanted to break not only their pinky but all the bones in their body, just so they could feel the pain.

And so here you are now, gallivanting with the opposite sex, and when someone finally takes an interest on you, you build a wall of Jericho in ten seconds max. And if that’s not enough, you wear a suit of armor, full gear, and then bury yourself underground to escape. Sounds familiar?

It’s only natural to feel that way, don’t think you’ll end up alone all your life. You won’t, yet. Dundunduuuun!

It just so happens that you have given love, sometimes too much, and then it was wasted. Kumbaga sa economics, feeling mo natural resources ka at may insatiable need yung tao. You gave your all, but it wasn’t enough, so they left.

And that’s good! It means you have so much love to give, you should be proud. Everyone has their saturation point, its understandable.

I know, there there, don’t fret. Its scary, no, it’s horrifying to take that chance again. What if you make the same mistake of falling for someone who will end up hurting you? Paulit-ulit? Unli ka teh?

People aren’t perfect, eventually they are going to hurt you in the process even if they didn’t mean to. You might be hurting someone without you realizing it, too. It’s not a reason for you to keep distance, it’s part of human nature.

But there is good news! Somehow God created us to have unending, overflowing love to share. One is capable to forgive, and restore. It just takes courage (and time, yes) in our part. You might not be strong enough, but you have to cooperate. Relationships are a two-way street. If you want the barriers to fall, you’re going to have to meet them halfway, help them out.

And if it hurts, so what? You’re one level away to reaching your happily ever after. Nobody said it was easy, Chris Martin said so.

So dear fellow members of LLLUAP, take that leap! Some people might be destined to live alone, but if you think you’re not one of them, then you’re going to have to do something about it. It will hurt before it gets better.