Oh heartbreak, why art thou such a heartless bitch?
I was in total denial of the fact that I should get over you and move on. Thinking that we could have a chance, I let my feelings for you grow, without even caring if I would get hurt in the end. Without even caring if I would look like a huge idiot for falling for a friend, a best friend. Without caring that you already have someone, which you would die for.
But then, people get tired you know? I get tired of waiting for you to acknowledge me. To not be just a piece of furniture in your weird life. And so, I was fused with anger. I was thinking how stupid you are that you do not notice someone who loved you all this time. I was thinking how blind you are, for not knowing what I have been doing all this time was to show you how much I cared. I was thinking how retarded you are for waiting on someone, when you could have had a great opportunity with us.
And so, I bargained to God. I was thinking that if I would have you, I would never look at anybody else the way that I look at you. That I would be a better person for you. That I wouldn’t ask for more. I was actually being a stupid idiot bargaining for something that I know I wouldn’t have in the very beginning.
And you know God, its either a ‘yes’, ‘no’ or ‘wait’. I’ve already had the wait, and it was worthless. And there wasn’t any progress, so I guess it wasn’t a yes either. Ergo, it was a no. I could already make a salad made of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness and self-pity. I couldn’t care less about my life anymore. I was thinking that everything would fall apart. You were the first domino. When you fell, I felt that everything fell simultaneously. And there was nothing I could do to stop it.
I blamed it all on you. You made me this way. You made a a cynic and a masochist. It was all your fault in the first place. If you just stayed away from me early enough, I wouldn’t get to see how beautiful you are. If you didn’t care about me, I wouldn’t think of how sweet and lucky I am to have you as my friend, and maybe as someone more than a friend.
And tadaa, here I am now. As far as I know, I have accepted it. I have accepted the fact that the thing between us? It was nothing, nothing more than just friendship. I now know that I could still pick up the pieces of my domino life, and probably still put you in it, but not as the first one in the chain. It is safe to say that I have gotten over you. Finally. it was a long run, but it was worth it in the end. I have learned to love myself even more without you telling me. I have learned that there are definitely other fishes in the sea, it just so happens the first fish I caught wasn’t the good one. I have learned to look at you as someone not more as a friend. We could probably talk right now, have a decent conversation. Have a cup of coffee together, and it would be just as friends. Nothing more.