An Open Letter To Males Coming Of Age In The Time Of Twilight

Dear Nascent Gentlemen,

You are doomed. You have my sympathies.

I thought we had it bad coming of age back in the 20th Century. See, back then we had moving picture shows directed by fellows like John Hughes and Cameron Crowe. These “movies” featured somewhat awkward, yet cool male leads. They did things like wear trenchcoats, hit lockers with their fists, sport skinny ties, and dance in small towns where the prevailing wisdom had it that dancing was Satan’s work.

In one iconic scene, one of these romantic heroes held a boombox (like an iPod, but bigger and without earphones) above his head. As it blasted the tuneful sounds of “In Your Eyes,” he wooed his lady-love with a mixture of sweetness and intensity that no girl could resist. That kind of rocked.

Anyway, girls would watch these movies and the characters would serve as the template for What They Wanted in a Boyfriend. So, like any male doing a ritual mating dance when under the influence of hormonal swells, we rushed to comply. We bought skinny ties, we wore trenchcoats, we danced like the devil had taken up residence in our heels.

Disclaimer: Maybe “we” didn’t do these things. Maybe it was just “me.”

The point here is that we actually could emulate these men that the girls wanted. It was not outside the realm of possibility that I could be a somewhat angsty, yet ultimately sweet, guy with questionable fashion sense and a yen for kickboxing. And that possibility gave me something to strive for, gave me hope as the Dating Years commenced.

You, my acne stricken friends, have it much, much worse. Because you have to live up to Edward Cullen. You have to live up to the impossible task of filling a vampire’s shoes. And you are doomed.

Edward swoons with lust (sure, it’s blood lust… but lust is lust) at the faintest whiff of his beloved’s hair.

Edward doesn’t just hold a radio over his head to woo, he scoops up his girl and flies (FLIES!) through the treetops.

His skin turns into diamonds in the sun. He runs, like, realllllly fast. He plays baseball. He can stop trucks with his hand.

Edward has limitless self-control—he can kiss his half-naked girlfriend in bed, get all riled up, and then hurl himself back against the wall to flagellate himself for almost losing control.

Oh, and that flagellation: Edward. Is. So. Tortured. Just to speak takes a heroic effort of will. His face contorts and words issue forth slowly. Haltingly. With infinite pain.

Then, of course, he can totally kick butt when his lady is in danger.

So you put all of those elements together and you have an unattainable ideal that has been indelibly imprinted on the brain of every pre-adolescent and adolescent girl out there. It’s the zeitgeist. And it has doomed you. No matter how good you are, you will never be a 200-year-old adolescent pretty boy.

(Sidebar — has anyone considered the pedophilic implications of a 200 year old man wooing a 16/17 year old girl? I mean…ick.)

Here’s my suggestion: Don’t even try. Be a throwback. Retro is in. Go on eBay and search for a “boombox.” Do some research — watch coming of age stories from the 20th Century. Emulate the heroes from that time. A time when men were actually human and women loved them anyway.

Good luck and Godspeed, my friends.

Humbly,

Wannabe Lloyd Dobler

(source)

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “An Open Letter To Males Coming Of Age In The Time Of Twilight

  1. Hello Webmaster, I noticed that https://airahantonio.wordpress.com/2011/11/24/an-open-letter-to-males-coming-of-age-in-the-time-of-twilight/ is ranking pretty low on Google and has a low Google PageRank. Now the Google PageRank is how Google is able to see how relevant your webpage is compared to all the other webpages online, if you cannot rank high at the top of Google, then you will NOT get the traffic you need. Now usually trying to get to the top of Google costs hundreds if not thousands of dollars and very highly optimized targeted marketing campaigns that takes a team of experts months to achieve. However, we can show you how to get to the top of Google with no out of pocket expenses (free traffic), no stupid ninja tricks, no silly mind control techniques, and this will be all white hat with no blackhat software or tactics that could possibly land you on bad terms with Google and put you in the dreaded “Google Sandbox”. We’ll show you how to easily capture all the targeted traffic you need, for free, multiple ways to land fast (not months) first-page rankings in Google and other major search engines (Bing, Yahoo, Ask, etc), even show you strategies on how to earn daily commissions just try Ranking Top of Google, please check out our 5 minute video.

  2. Hello Webmaster, I noticed that https://airahantonio.wordpress.com/2011/11/24/an-open-letter-to-males-coming-of-age-in-the-time-of-twilight/ is ranking pretty low on Google and has a low Google PageRank. Now the Google PageRank is how Google is able to see how relevant your webpage is compared to all the other webpages online, if you cannot rank high at the top of Google, then you will NOT get the traffic you need. Now usually trying to get to the top of Google costs hundreds if not thousands of dollars and very highly optimized targeted marketing campaigns that takes a team of experts months to achieve. However, we can show you how to get to the top of Google with no out of pocket expenses (free traffic), no stupid ninja tricks, no silly mind control techniques, and this will be all white hat with no blackhat software or tactics that could possibly land you on bad terms with Google and put you in the dreaded “Google Sandbox”. We’ll show you how to easily capture all the targeted traffic you need, for free, multiple ways to land fast (not months) first-page rankings in Google and other major search engines (Bing, Yahoo, Ask, etc), even show you strategies on how to earn daily commissions just try Ranking Top of Google, please check out our 5 minute video.

  3. Hello Webmaster, I noticed that https://airahantonio.wordpress.com/2011/11/24/an-open-letter-to-males-coming-of-age-in-the-time-of-twilight/ is ranking pretty low on Google and has a low Google PageRank. Now the Google PageRank is how Google is able to see how relevant your webpage is compared to all the other webpages online, if you cannot rank high at the top of Google, then you will NOT get the traffic you need. Now usually trying to get to the top of Google costs hundreds if not thousands of dollars and very highly optimized targeted marketing campaigns that takes a team of experts months to achieve. However, we can show you how to get to the top of Google with no out of pocket expenses (free traffic), no stupid ninja tricks, no silly mind control techniques, and this will be all white hat with no blackhat software or tactics that could possibly land you on bad terms with Google and put you in the dreaded “Google Sandbox”. We’ll show you how to easily capture all the targeted traffic you need, for free, multiple ways to land fast (not months) first-page rankings in Google and other major search engines (Bing, Yahoo, Ask, etc), even show you strategies on how to earn daily commissions just try Ranking Top of Google, please check out our 5 minute video.

  4. Thanks , I’ve recently been searching for info approximately this topic for a while and yours is the best I have found out till now. But, what concerning the bottom line? Are you sure concerning the supply?|What i don’t understood is in truth how you’re no longer really much more neatly-favored than you might be now. You are very intelligent.

  5. I would simply like to exclaim that have very much enjoyedstudyingthis info. It makes a changeto uncoversomething that is as well though out and informativeas this. I will certainlybe returning hereto studyany updates.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s