Wouldn’t be exciting to have first dibs on the life of the characters in Game of Thrones? To have an idea of what they think and feel during times of war, incest, sex, rebellion, adventure, more sex? Not that the chapters are enough, but not every character, especially some that I would take interest in reading, don’t have time to tell their side of the story. Let’s not blame GRRM, cut him some slack, if he works hard enough he might not live to finish telling the tale, and that’s a nightmare. So here’s what I think would be an even cooler way to tell the series, this time, with everyone involved:
Brienne of Tarth
Dear Diary, it has been a long time since I won in King Renly’s tourney, and I could still remember every detail of it. I have never felt anymore happier than that time my father gave me my first sword. Such feelings grew stronger when I became part of his Rainbow Guard. Renly has such amazing fashion sense, more than me, for sure. If I wasn’t so in love with him, I’d think he was gay. Anyway, I also noticed how fond Renly is of Loras Tyrell. I cannot deny that the knight has attractive features, but he seems too soft. How else would I have defeated her, I mean, him? But now that my king is dead, I have come to serve Lady Catelyn, and is now tasked to bring the Kingslayer back to King’s Landing. He has been infuriating the entire journey, but he sure is better than his spineless cousin, who is also now dead. The poor lad. And now I’m left with this arrogant oathbreaker. But I must admit, despite his foul attitude and name-calling, he is a bit attractive. Only a little. Renly, may the gods bless him, is still the man in my heart. The Kingslayer however has a little spot in my lady parts. I am still a woman, after all.
Dear Diary, Why is every member of my family leaving me here in Winterfell? Father brought Sansa and Arya with him, Robb left, and then mother. All that’s left is Bran, and we can’t even play anymore because his legs don’t work. Maybe he should get new ones, I bet Maester Luwin knows where. Shaggydog and I have been playing in the crypts, and then I saw father. Pretty amazing if you ask me, father must be some wizard. There’s this new lady her named Osha and she likes to bathe in the river without her clothes on. I bet she feels really cold, because I can see her milk makers with goosebumps. Also, why does Hodor keep saying ‘Hodor’? I tried to let him say Shaggydog’s name, but it was completely stupid of me, because Shaggydog is a really long name. So I tried to make him say my name but he still ended up saying ‘Hodor’. He called me one time and said ‘Hodor’, so I obviously didn’t follow him. Because my name is not Hodor! Come on, I may be young but I’m not that stupid.
My dearest diary, today has been like most days, where all I did was talk and give orders to dumb, craven people who takes every word I say because if they don’t, well obviously they’d die. I must say, even though I am busy with my duties as Queen Regent, I still think about Jaime. I wonder what has happened to him. Oh Gods, what if they take his manhood off? That will be a big shame. Oh how I missed those times we’ve been together, as if being inside our mother’s womb together, growing up together, sleeping together wasn’t enough. Well at least there is Lancel. Not really the best alternative but it will do. Also, there is the matter of my gargoyle brother, Tyrion. Gods that face, it’s hopeless, I tell you. Seeing his face makes my face all contorted in disgust, and that would result in wrinkles, and I wouldn’t want that. Or else Sansa Stark would look prettier than me. That will be the day that I die, which I hope will be a long time from now. No matter, my constant, flawless, bitch face is still the best.
Diary, it still baffles me how a grown man like myself is following a little lady girl everywhere we go. Well she does need protection, she’s a highborn anyway. But I didn’t sign up for this. I was just forging happily, being the smith I was supposed to be. But then Yoren had to take me and then die, and I’ve been a captive of every group of men we’ve met ever since. It still wonders me why some of those lion people were looking for me. Probably looking for smiths like myself, but you can’t be too trusting. Who am I kidding, I’m trusting a girl with my life. A cute one at that.
Hodor, hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor. Hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor. Hodor hodor hodor hodor, hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor. Hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor! Hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor. Hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor, hodor, hodor… HODOR HODOR HODOR HODOR HODOR! Hodorhodorhodorhodor! Hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor? Hodor. Ho. Dor.
Dear awesome diary, Myrcella was sent to Dorne the other day. I can’t say I was too emotional about it, kings aren’t supposed to cry. Tommen, however, was being a complete infant. Crying in front of the whole realm! Thank the gods I was born first, no one likes a crybaby king. Sansa had to ruin the moment though, and I was like, ‘Uhhh you don’t have a say in this girl, I am king and I did not cry when your stupid sister’s stupid direwolf bit me in the arm like I was his lunch!’. Anyway, after that, there was a total ruckus in the city. Someone threw shit on my beautiful, flawless face! Jealous much? It’s not my fault I am more good-looking and rich than them. So I commanded my guards to kill the bastard who threw it. And the rest was a total mess. When we got inside the castle, my ugly uncle slapped me! So many people hating on my face, the gods graced me all this, blame them not me. Oh, the price of being a king. But I can’t help it if I’m popular.