Every time I would go to public places, whether I went to a book fair or at the mall, or simply hanging out with my friends at the bar, it’s a matter of time that my head begins to pound. Combine that with a weird stomach ache that you don’t know where you got and you didn’t eat something bad before you left. You have a weird feeling in the pit of your stomach or at the roof of your mouth.
Today I went out for my boyfriend’s going away party before he goes back to Canada, and I was a complete party pooper. I got mad at the stupidest things like the confusion of where to sit and the lack of planning. I organize events in school, so I would know if the event is not thought of properly. Maybe because I don’t really like going out a lot, I don’t know. I always feel the urge of going home when places get too crowded. I get mad and irritated at the simplest of things, like tardiness or humidity. And the fact that the clock was ticking and I had anal parents, I didn’t have that much fun at all. I ended up spacing out, not joining conversation. One friend said I was out of it. Then I left so soon. I feel very bad about it.
Of course some of you might tell me “Oh, you’re just being a total killjoy. You could have made it through the night if you really wanted to be there.” I really wanted to, believe me. I wanted to meet my boyfriend’s friends since I don’t get to hang out with them. I wanted to stay out and have fun with my boyfriend before he leaves, his return indefinite. “You’re just making excuses so you can get out of there, it’s his party not yours. Mind over matter.” That’s the problem, it’s inherently in my mind.
I tend to get awful rashes on both of my elbows when I get stressed, it was the most conclusive reason why I have them sporadically. And right now, they are red and itchy as hell.
Anxiety attacks are not a joke. They’re not some stupid excuse that you make just because you want to get out of something. You can’t make yourself get anxiety attacks whenever you want to, because it’s always supposed to be there.
Sure, you get through everyday life, but I always want to get things in control because if I don’t, things might happen and I want to be ready for it. I’m always going to jump into the worst conclusion in every single circumstance that I encounter. I’ll always want the earth to open up and eat me just so I can escape huge crowds. All the synchronized voices of random strangers around me and passing by will always give me headaches. I’m lucky enough not to get stage fright most of the time. It’s not something you just shut off.
You can’t make this stuff up people. Either you have it or you don’t.
Airah Writes 