The Day He Went Away

It was during the middle of the day. We were starved and depressed, but none of it mattered, thanks to the stress at the airport. Packing, overweight luggage, fees, anal security guards distracted us from the reality of the situation, the one thing that mattered the most.

As soon as we had to force out our goodbyes, the tears started falling. It finally dawned on me, so, this is really it. This is that chapter in our relationship that can make or break us. I wanted to come with him so bad, abandoning everything here. I could, I didn’t need clothes, I had some people to borrow from. I didn’t need closure, I wanted to leave this place a long time ago, including the people. But I didn’t have the money. It sucks how some paper runs the entire world.

I didn’t care if we gave the entire airport a show. I wanted to hug and kiss and feel him beside me for the last time. He asked me, “When will we see each other again?” I answered, “I don’t know.” Because I didn’t really know. In my head I just wanted him to stay. That word was the only thing that permeated my mind that time. Stay. Stay. Stay. We hugged and kissed and said our I love yous multiple times, and it was so hard to let go. That moment when he had to walk inside and no one wanted to let go of each others hands. But he was too far and I couldn’t reach anymore so we finally let go. That was the hardest. That moment when we let go hurt me the most.

I had forgotten to give him his other gift. I called him multiple times, asking him to come back. See him one last time. Kiss him one last time. I waited, and he could go out anymore. It broke me, and I left.

He called a few minutes afterwards, when I was already on the bus. He said he got out. I was too far from the airport to go back. That broke our hearts again. If only I stayed longer, waited at least until his plane left, I would have spent a few more minutes, or even just seconds with him, I’ll take what I can get. But it was too late. It shattered me again.

While he was boarding on the plane, I was riding a bus. His flight got delayed so we talked for a while on the phone. I was sobbing, but I didn’t care. I doubt I’ll ever see these people with me on the bus again. We kept saying “I love you so much” and “I miss you already” over and over. Because we did.

Hours after, I went home. I was too tired to go to class so I slept. When I woke up I checked my phone to see if I have messages, especially his, but then I remembered. Right, he’s gone. It would take hours to get another message from him. And so I cried again.

It was a depressing cycle where I cry, get a headache, sleep it off, wake up and remember, then cry again. The hunger I had before everything was gone, I must have lost my appetite. That night I slept with the sweater he left me, trying not to cry because if I did I would not get to sniff his scent. My dog Phoebe slept beside me that night, and I wish he was as big as him so I can at least imagine it was him beside me like our last night or those other times.

Today is the day after, I woke up late for a hosting gig. I still went anyway, I didn’t care if my eyes looked swollen.

I am grumpy and bossy and agitated, but when someone asked about him I’d soften up, but not soft enough to cry. He just sent a message that he’s home. And that made me feel better. Not entirely better, but enough to make it through the day.

I guess this is how it’ll be for now. Keeping ourselves busy with work until we can chat or video call each other again. Saving money so either one of us can travel continents just to see each other. Preparing for our future wherein nothing, not even continents or obligations or money can keep us apart anymore. Those are the times that I’ll look forward to, and can’t wait to happen.

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