Soldiering On

You know how unfair it feels when you’re trying to do something good and other people keep pulling you down?

Let’s face it Philippines, we have a very bad case of crab mentality– the feeling of insecurity over another person’s success that you come to a point of bringing that person down. I know it sounds very heartless of us, but this is a truth. We do not like to see other people doing better than us. We want to be those people.

And sometimes, this works.

For almost a year now I have been given a responsibility with no pay or anything in return. I have been, somehow, a mother. But mostly, I am a servant. I don’t feel any remorse over this because I most gladly took the job. I didn’t ask for it in the first place, but when opportunity knocks, why not? I didn’t think I had it in me, sometimes I still don’t. But when you stop thinking about yourself and start thinking of everybody else, when you’re doing a good job, that’s all that counts.

I have such high hopes and brilliant ideas. I have never used my power for my selfish reasons. I have sacrificed time and energy which resulted to me getting sick more than I have been my entire life. And this is what I get for trying.

I guess in the beginning it’s all idealistic until reality sinks in on you.

Age does not define maturity, apparently. And politics is everywhere. It does not excuse anyone, even those that are not involved. This is the rule since the beginning of time, both fiction and non-fiction, from David’s descendant Jeconiah to the Montagues and the Capulets, That is why a child is sometimes defined by their parent’s mistakes even when it’s not their own fault. It all sounds ridiculous and I don’t want to be part of this kind of mediocrity, but it’s something I cannot overcome, even more so escape. This has been going on before I accepted my position. One person as feeble and insignificant as me can’t change years of unresolved conflict that has been handled unprofessionally to the point of hopelessness.

I don’t want to give up. I have people beside me that will support me through thick and thin. It’s supposed to make me feel better, but it’s not helping. I have my limits and I am close to mine. I want to keep holding on not for me but for my constituents. However when it’s a battle that’s hard to fight and it means risking those beside me, I shall put down my sword.

For now, I will keep holding on until I become free, possibly get a change of scenery. A better one. Until then I will wait until I can bow down and say my adieus with grace.