The thing about me is that I am like an ogre made of different layers. Your first impression of me is statistically completely different from who I really am. Why statistically you say? Here’s why: 100% of the people I know perceive me as someone different from who I am as a person. I’ve heard it from everybody, and I’m not going to reveal the inner nerdy self and post the graphs to prove it. So if you’re willing or curious enough to go past what you see from the first, then you’re in for something completely bollocks.
Just ask those who are still my friends. They would tell you that I am entirely different from all your first impressions, but their answers as to who I am will not be the same. That is because there is a certain degree as to where you are in my friendship circle.
Now if you’re going to ask me who my favorite TV friendship circle is, it’s going to be the cast of Community. And sure, some of you would say some other group like Friends, I get that. And others would think that killing a person, like the Keating Five, portray a stable, healthy friendship circle, that could also be true. And let’s also not forget the fact that some of them already left the show, but hey, that’s the reality of friendship. People come and go for a reason, but the memories and lessons that they taught us should stay in our hearts forever.
Therefore, I would like to present the seven degrees of my friendship based on the characters of Community. Of course, I am not immediately close with everybody, it takes time, common interests, and a symbiotic relationship towards one another to achieve the levels. I do however would like to point out that time is irrelevant when it comes to this. I could know you for a long time and you’d still be in the first canto, I mean, degree. So if I know you in person, check which degree we are on, and continue at your own risk.
Degree #1: Troy Barnes
If you have gone past the limbo stage of me only giving you a show of my resting bitch face, you will get to see me as similar to Troy Barnes. Yes, that is Childish Gambino, the rap god of hipsters everywhere, who played the incredibly optimistic, innocent member of the Greendale Seven. At this degree I am incredibly kind, accommodating, and approachable. Like a politician when it is almost the elections. My intentions are true though, unlike the alligators that I used for example, and I am hoping to have a great, long, genuine friendship with you. Keep it up!
Degree #2: Shirley Bennett
Now that we have gone past the rainbows and butterflies degree aka Troylandia, you shall move on to the next, most related to Shirley Bennett. Besides being incredibly nice (and take note that I will say ‘Oh, that’s nice’ a lot), I will also be caring as if I was your second momma. Call it my nurturing side or whatever, but I do have great concern for my friends. This degree also entails me being a great listener and giver of a lot of words of encouragement and good vibes. Hugs all around included!
Degree #3: Britta Perry
You know when people start to get drunk and get all existential and all that crap? That is me on the third degree, portrayed by Britta Perry. I begin to become more open about my social, religious, political, moral, and other -al words you could think of. And maybe, just maybe, we’d get into a fight or a Facebook comment war. But at the end of the day it’s all good. You might even think “Where has this person been my entire life? I need more friends like her!” And I get it, cause I wish I had more friends like me, too. People have different point of views so we need to respect them. Sometimes. Except if they’re completely ridiculous to the point of delusion. I also become a self-help guru, most commonly the single person who is really good at relationship advice. Because hey, who knows better than someone who has no one but her dogs, right?
Degree #4: Annie Edison
Okay, so you’ve gone past that part of me that likes to get all deep and share my point of views like they actually matter in the world and sing Kumbaya, that’s great! I can’t believe you pulled that off!
Now for the crazy part.
Like Annie Edison, you will see the very methodical, organized, slight-OCD part of myself. You’re going to hear me grunt or see me wince whenever you don’t use a coaster or fold something horribly. Of course it’s all for your own good, you wouldn’t want to have those RIDICULOUS, UGLY, WET CIRCLES ON YOUR TABLE, RIGHT? I am an INTJ for a reason, buddy. And if you’re past that then we’re on the same page. And also, it’s not like I have Stockholm syndrome I swear, we’re just on that point where we have the similar drift that makes me reply OMG ME TOO to you all the time and that I get you, I really do. After all the existential crap we’ve been through the last degree, which I assume you would reciprocate, then we’re into deep the relationship now. No backsies. I guess we’re both crazy!
Degree #5: Pierce Hawthorne
If I was an old man like Pierce, this would probably sound creepy. And maybe it will still sound creepy after I say it, but I’m going to take the risk. The next degree of my friendship involves inserting innuendos in almost every single situation. I’m like a female version of Michael Scott plus winks. And I swear, I’m not trying to hit on you so don’t get any ideas. I’m not good mixing casual conversations with flirting, I wouldn’t even know how to put it in.
That’s what she said.
Degree #6: Jeff Winger
After the niceness, nurture, constant existentialism, insanity, and perversion, the next degree would be my condescension. Yes, as a frustrated lawyer I am like Jeff Winger. I am going to call you on your crap and give you long monologues and points for it to make sense for plebeians like yourself. I may also get you to agree with me on things because I can. But don’t get me wrong, because behind my righteous-than-thou, inherently-Asian competitive self, I am doing this for your own good. Because I care about you and you’re in too deep as a friend that besides you can never go back, I have grown quite attached to you. I just show my concern in the most macho way possible or I’d get my balls cut off.
Degree #7: Abed Nadir
And now we have come to the final frontier.
Congratulations, you are one of my bestest friends in which I can be a total retard with. We are going to spend countless hours watching TV series and movies. Troll the internet. Spurt pop culture lines out of nowhere. It’s all going to be a big jumble from here, but I guarantee you it’s my favorite part of the ride. Because this is me, a big giant hot mess. And if you like it, then I like it too.