The Truth Behind The Lies I’ve Told

1.
I don’t always have every single thing figured out
Like the psychotic person I portray to be
Sometimes I just want to be like that term in French– dynamique
It’s spontaneous, being lost but in control, messy but structured
I want to be an abstract painting that makes you feel and just
Makes
Perfect
Sense
When it’s not supposed to

2.
I still wonder about you and how we came to be
It’s a lie if I say I don’t
Sometimes I’m irritated, but in the corner of my mind
There’s this soft spot for you and us
You might actually be someone I could see myself with
Were it not for the fact that you were
Kind
Of
A jerk
And I’ve had enough jerks in my lifetime, I don’t want any more

3.
I suppose sometimes I did like you
In moments and common interests
Plus the fact that you were smart and I liked men with brains
So when you asked if I felt something for you
Then I asked innocently what feelings
I was protecting myself
You
And
Her
Because we both know we’d both be screwed if I said otherwise

4.
No I don’t understand and maybe never will
How you could be so stupid to fall for it
When I specifically told you not to
I know I can be bossy but sometimes, mostly
I’m taking care of you even if in my mind
I want to shake you senseless and shout at you to
Fucking
Wake
Up
He’s an idiot and you’re being desperate

5.
Sorry
Sorry
Sorry
Sorry
Sorry
Sorry
Sorry
Sorry
I couldn’t defend myself so that’s all I could say

6.
I know I said I don’t really like flowers
But it does feel nice to actually receive one
Even for no reason, especially for no reason
I say a lot of things to sound feminist and manic pixie
But I’m needy and greedy as you know
So next time don’t ask if I would want it, instead if
I
Deserve
It
Then I’ll let you decide that for yourself

7.
I don’t know what the fuck I am doing with my life.

8.
I’m not okay.

9.
Of course I don’t want you gone and away
Who in their right mind would say that when
My entire universe revolved around you then
It suddenly shifts, and you know I hate change
But I know I’m smaller than your universe and I’d get
Suck
In
Whole
Into your black hole if you stayed

10.
Je ne t’ai aimé.

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