When I lost things in my life, I’d cry about it for a moment and then completely forget about it. It’s too stressful and tiring to wallow so much on things that were replaceable. I would have my little breakdown, compose myself, and then act like it never happened.
So far after what happened, I haven’t shed a tear about it. Sure my eyes stung as I tried to act like Kim from Miss Saigon, on the part where she had to give her son away, but I don’t have the experience (not to mention the actual kid) to have these kinds of emotions. Maybe I’m displacing it, but I’m quite sure it’s far from what I’m supposed to be crying about.
As to the reason why I haven’t cried yet, that I still don’t know. I even rewatched The Last Five Years, hoping it will make me shed a tear since it was as close as to my relationship as it will get, but I ended up just repeatedly singing Climbing Uphill which was a funny song from the musical. I have been seeing and sharing and writing some sad words but that’s as far as it got. I’m still as clueless and hard-shelled as I was when I last wrote.
I don’t know how long it will take place until I finally crack. I wish I already would, just so I can feel finally normal again. It’s awfully better and predictable for me to have cried as long as the years we’ve had instead of having my eyes dry.
But I guess this is how I cope. Everything that happened has rendered me numb, that I am still stuck motionless.
I wonder if this is who I really am as a significant other? Maybe I am the least person who invested among the two of us. I wouldn’t be surprised, as an INTJ that are compared to the likes of eccentric villains, this is probably expected of me. This is more than just the silly trinkets filled with memories that I lost, and it still baffles me how I have the most unusual way of getting through it. I also wonder if he’s the same way as I am, God knows he of all people would understand.
So this is how I heal, how I fix, how I mend.
I just hope I fully recover this time.
Airah Writes 