When all was said and done, what I felt in the end was emptiness- of tears and cares- that a lot of people must wonder how I do it. To be honest, the answer will always be an enigma to be as well. I still don’t know how I am so tough, so seemingly strong. And I sure as hell have no clue why I am in such a state.
They say perhaps it will take time. I think logically, like a man, most of the time. I use my brain more than any other part of my body, and as a scientist I should think so. Perhaps when it came to this I will be the same way, they said. And when the moment comes it will all crash down on me, like an avalanche or a giant wave, and leave me bare, vulnerable and weak. Maybe that was how it will dawn on me.
But what if it never does? What if I’m stuck in this emotionless limbo that I’m in that instead of a phase it becomes who I am?
Some people applaud me for this, in which I say with lack of patronizing towards myself not to. It is not good to dwell so much on logic and reasoning like me. There are some things that the mind cannot fathom, comprehend, or accept that the heart can just because it simply could. And trust me when I say this, because I use my brain.
Do not take your heart for granted. It is a part of you for a reason. Your heart makes you human, which as odd as it sounds, we could lose so easily if we do not use it. Maybe some of us has lost ours, so cultivate and grow it. Using it too much is not a sign of weakness, because the way I see it from a logical point of view, it is a mark of strength. I for one, cannot for the life of me, use my heart all the time. It’s frightening. Be proud of your gift for not everyone can do it. How you all still manage to function with such vulnerability and then restart again when things fall to shite, I have no idea. But whatever you are doing, keep doing it. Embrace it and your fear becomes your power.
The heart, like the brain, is also a vessel. It is a lie that it will be emptied out. There are times, often plenty, that it will seemingly be empty but have infinitesimal pieces left behind. It doesn’t matter how small because it is still significant. And eventually, you will use this fragment to start the vessel anew, to fill it up again as it once was. You will forget it ever felt empty ever again.
So like me, whoever is reading this, have the courage to fill yourself again- maybe with the same, or something better, it’s all up to you- because it won’t always feel this way. It won’t always hurt. Even storms pass despite the aftermath it makes. You just have to look at it as an opportunity to something different, something new.
I hope you have that courage to start again, just like how I pray that I have for myself.