To the person who I thought I still had feelings for, who made me feel regret for leaving things between us messy, who took advantage of my vulnerability and loneliness,
Thank you for walking away.
I don’t think I’ll ever have the courage to say no to you. It’s a fatal flaw that I have, being so accommodating even if it meant me being uncomfortable to the very core. I should have known that the fact that I cannot look at your Facebook picture without spewing a sound of distaste- eugh, that’s the sound I always make- that it was over and left for good.
Of course you’re going to blame me, it’s always my fault when heard on your side. And I’m sure as hell no one around you would ever tell you the truth, simply nodding their head in understanding. But here’s the reality of it all that I’ll never have the courage to say:
I was weak. I was alone and lonely at the same time. I was lured with the promises of what I could have with you that I cannot have with my present. When you came around our lives you were on the eyes of my friend, I was stupid enough to think you were serious that I asked permission. I didn’t want my friend to have the same experience I did before, to be replaced by someone he liked with her best friend. So I did what was right by us and then I did what was right by me. So silly don’t you think, that I put us before myself?
And then circumstances changed the game. The one I’ve been waiting for has returned. The grand gesture blew me away, rendering me dazed and confused. What was I supposed to do?
So sadly, I didn’t choose you. I wasn’t strong enough to risk my security with someone I barely know. And it made you furious- which I understand- but to me that was something that could have been dealt reasonably. Your close mindedness only saw the one solution, and it was to forget all about me.
But then you came back, wondering how I was, subtly bragging about what you have done without me. That you were good without me. Better off without me. And somehow I was okay with that, even if I wasn’t entirely okay myself. That was, until, I have realized you somehow had that little thorn inside you. That’s when I could tell that this wasn’t something we could sweep under the rug. We had to open that wound again and take the remaining venom out. But your venom was so powerful to the point of delusion that even if I tried to fix it, the natural fixer that I am, it was not my move anymore.
You chose to be bitter. You chose to be alone. You chose to look at me in your warped, pixelated, unreal version of me. I was some manic, pixie, dream girl to you. Well guess what? I’m not. I’m still the weak, alone, and lonely girl that I was who just ended up accepting it, looking at it through rose colored glasses. I rejoiced my flaws. I wasn’t your dream girl and I’m okay with it.
And for that? I thank you. As silly as it sounds, as selfish as I may turn out to be, as unfeeling as I may look.
You walked away so I don’t have to.
There are some things that don’t need closure for it to officially end. I know us is one of those things. The one way street of reaching out for healing is done when you burned that bridge. And I’m not one of those people who like to force themselves to people.
Thank you for walking away because if you didn’t, I would have been blinded again, I’m afraid.
But I know better now. And I have you to thank for it even though you’ll never know.