Hello. It’s been a while.
Don’t worry, I’m doing fine. But I have to admit I do feel like I’m not myself lately, with my dreamless nights and I-feel-like-I’m-going-to-die-soon anxiety attacks as any indication. I still, however, find myself seeing life with my rose-colored sarcastic glasses so I’m half swimming half drowning. And with that in mind, I needed my me time the way I know best- binge watching TV series and/or movies. Case in point, I watched What If today. It took me 3 years and here I am post-movie, wondering why on earth am I making this blog entry.
Is it because I am intentionally making myself lack sleep so that I will be miserable and grumpy tomorrow morning (like that isn’t normal for a grade school teacher)? Or is it that right now my sister is hanging out with a guy he’s casually dating and having sleepovers with downstairs and I’m no idiot to be sleeping and letting them be (I’ve been there so I’m no idiot)? Or is it because my mind is running with so much thoughts I might be having a headache over it which I need to let out or I might die in my sleep from stress? Maybe all of the above. That’s a good answer. I always make it a point to make those kind of items in the tests I make. Kids should know they can have more than one choice in life.
This movie was highly recommended by someone special before, but I never got around into seeing it up until now. Thanks friends who might have downloaded this illegally and let me copy it from their hard drive.
I guess like with everything, I take a while to realize and internalize things. Like this movie. Like my emotions. Like my life.
I’ve got a lot of what ifs. And those what ifs are greater than my what is(es?). I know it makes me a coward, but at least I’m a smart coward. The kind of coward that won’t look like a fool. It’s not very fulfilling, but it’s safe. And doing something to change that will mean changing who I am, and I’ve changed so much over time that some of them aren’t ideal and I quite regret them, but I can’t go back anymore.
There are moments in life that I wish had been different. There were times in my life that I wish I had said something to change the outcome. There were people that I wish I didn’t let slip by just because I thought ‘What if I was bothering them?’ or ‘What if they don’t feel like talking right now?’ or ‘What if they don’t feel like talking to me at all?’. It sounds crazy, but it’s true. I don’t like pestering people.
So my what ifs turn into oh wells, and I just learn to live with them. Granted sometimes it feels miserable, like I want to call the Doctor and take the TARDIS and just slap my past self and say ‘Just do something! Any fucking thing!’. But as much as I love Doctor Who, I know that it’s not real. I know that I have to be realistic. I know that I have to face the consequences of my actions, or lack thereof. Plus touching your past self will make a time paradox and will just rip the entire universe and all its parallels apart.
So take it from someone who has a lot of what ifs that turned into oh wells, don’t end up being miserable like me. What ifs will keep you up at night, quite longer than fucking it up even. Do what you have to do to change what you can. You can laugh off and cringe at them at a later time, it’s much better than carrying it around all the time like a masochistic twat. Take my word for it. It’s probably too late for me, but not for you.