Yesterday, despite the long lines, I watched Finally Found Someone with my mother. Of course we’d never miss the new AshLloyd (still bothered by the love team name but whatever) movie, so it was imperative that we watch it by the weekend of its release. It does not come as a surprise that I, like most Filipinos, love romantic movies with main characters that have palpable chemistry. Just last week I rewatched Got 2 Believe starring Rico Yan (bless his soul) and Claudine Barretto, another all-time favorite by most Filipino romantics and cinephiles. A few days after that, I rewatched Vince and Kath and James starring Joshua Garcia (bless your heart), Julia Barretto and fafa Ronnie Alonte. Needless to say, I grew up in a country where love is this all-encompassing feeling that makes you feel all warm and tingly inside and that every thing has a happy ending.
Some of you might be saying, gurl masyadong kang romantic, get a life! Walang forever, blah blah. Unbeknownst (naks!) to all of you- which now I will fully divulge- I have been going through a secret project for myself that involves me bringing my heart back to life after my two-year long romantic slump. This is because I have been the kind of people who would tell me to take off my rose-colored glasses, those who want to shake me awake. I’ve been there too long, and I am prepared to say that I am ready again. Here’s my proof:
For a little background on the situation, since I was an original romantic, naturally I give my all when it comes to my relationships. I don’t play around, literally and figuratively I suppose. Literally because I have poor hand-eye coordination, and figuratively because I do things wholeheartedly. That’s the problem with me I guess, I take things too seriously to the point of paranoia. But then again, who doesn’t? Of course we’ll worry, because we want things to work out. I did it to the point that I had these stupid ideas of pagpapamiss (making someone miss you- ang lala nito!), saying things hoping the other person can read between the lines, lululili (lulubog, lilitaw) system. Basically I micromanaged my relationship as if it was my work, when in reality relationships do need work, but not that kind. In the end, obviously it didn’t work out and I got drained, thus the romance slump.
It was lately that I realized that before I can get myself out there- for good this time- I needed to take things seriously by doing what I should have done first a long time ago: open up. Honesty was the main value the movie wanted to embody the most, because realistically speaking, who is truly, fully honest anymore?
So as an oath to the movie and to myself, this is me finally being honest and telling the truth, FFS style: Two Truths and a Lie.
Number 1: It’s not that I haven’t moved on, it’s that I don’t know if I am capable of loving and hurting that way again.
Being INTJ, I am a very calculative person. I estimate my ulam-rice intake, my transportation fare for the month, and occasionally even my calories. I’m a strategist and I like things to be precise, so typically there is no room for failure. What happens when I do fail is that I am back to square one: calculating my every move, going on a different path, and hopefully it will work out better. Relationships aren’t like that.
I wish relationships weren’t as messy as it is usually portrayed and romanticized. I constantly tell myself that love isn’t supposed to be messy, but then I’m clouded by the thoughts of what society has instilled with their love for drama that if there are no trials, no conflicts, then it is not worth fighting for. Do we really have to fight for it when it is what we rightly deserve? Everyone deserves love, a love that doesn’t have to give you more pain that you forget its true value.
Number 2: At a young age, I actually welcome the idea of building a family of my own.
It must come as a shock to most people, but I feel like I’m already at a point in my life where I don’t have to gain anything more professionally, not what I want anyway. I’m almost done with my Masters in Education, I have a stable job, and there’s this whole Top 3 thing. I feel like I could not ask for more. The mention of my accomplishments often make me cringe, to be honest. I wouldn’t say it stems from my lack of self-confidence because boi do I have plenty of those! It wouldn’t be humility because if I did use that term, that makes me the complete opposite of that, I think? So I don’t know what to call my ungrateful, iffy feeling with my accomplishments.
Anyway, since I felt that I have done what I could to have a stable professional life, it’s time for me to focus on the other aspect of my future: family. My own, per se. All this baby fever happening around people my age has been disconcerting. All these babies! In fact, I believed I missed my memo that you have to find your SO around this age because you’re enduring your way into marriage at your thirties. It’s not that I am pressuring myself into it, I happen to have very strong will when it comes to urges except for food. I’ve heard people say I’m young, I have all the time in the world, it’s too early to think about that, but to this I say what Julia Stiles said in Mona Lisa Smile:
To you a housewife is someone who sold her soul for a center hall colonial. She has no depth, no intellect, no interests. You’re the one who said I could do anything I wanted. This is what I want.
I’ll just let that do the explaining.
Number 3: I’m afraid that the mixture and swings of desperation and/or isolation will make me end up being alone.
This says a lot considering that I am a reserved, isolated person. I love my own company, in fact, I enjoy it very much. There are times when I would willingly tell my friends that I can’t hang out with them because I want to have some time for myself. They respect my decision of course, they would not be my friends if they didn’t. But there are some times- not simply the cuddle weather, Valentines Day, or when I have so many things to bring like during Christmas Party (I’m not even kidding)- that I wish I had someone else other than myself to rely to. Someone in the romantic sense.
And I tried to get back in the wagon, I really did. I’ve had my fair share of different dating scenarios and instances that could have been compiled into a booklet. Some had potential, like an actual possibility of seeing a future with them, but in the end I just lost interest and ended it. It must have been rude to do so, but you can’t force yourself into something that your heart and mind is not really into. I’ve got my highs and lows, yes and nos when it comes to finally jumping into the relationship bandwagon. And with this, I fear, no one will ever get, not even myself, therefore ending up with no one. You get either too desperate for a relationship that people will think you’re ridiculous or too independent that no one will even try. No matter what road you take, the end is the same, you are alone. Scary, isn’t it?
So, what do you think is the lie in these three statements?