On Accidents

My month of September was filled with freak accidents.

I tripped on a flat surface of a street as I turned around looking for the jeepney sign on my way to a bridesmaid fitting on the first. A week and a day later, I fell halfway on a manhole. The following Saturday, I stubbed my toe on a sharp object and bled as I walked through Poblacion. And on my last day, on a Monday nonetheless, I had an emotional breakdown in the shower. I also had the first day of my period, which probably explains the breakdown. (Sorry for the TMI)

I’ve had a weird month, one of the many in my weird year and my weird life. I don’t know how I’ve gotten this far, being like this. I was so sure that the plane I rode during the last week was going to crash and I’ll die, being the pièce de résistance of my boring journey called life.

A week before my flight I told my roommate that if I died in the plane crash, she should remember that I love her. She slapped me with her unicorn doll and told me not to say dumb shit like that.

Then I thought to myself that I should say more dumb shit like that.

Tell the people that I love that I do, no matter how cheesy it sounds. Tell them how I appreciate them tolerating my unpredictable nature, and how they care for me nonetheless. Tell them how grateful I am that they care for me, and that I feel the same way, I just don’t know how to express it properly. Tell them how they made me a better version of myself, or at least I’m trying to with their help. Tell them that I will go through hell and back for them. Tell them that I am happy they are in my life, and how I wish they would never leave.

I should tell them when I feel sad for no reason, or all the reasons at the same time. Tell them that I feel like I need to be alone, but it’s not their fault and I just need the space. Tell them that even if I need that space, it doesn’t change how I feel about them and I will come back to them. Tell them when I come out of the darkness, I will need them to get adjusted back into the light. Tell them that there will be days when I need to be away from people, even from the ones I love, because I’ve dealt with too many for one day from work. Tell them there will be days when the silence is a comfort for me.

I should tell them sorry for the times when I did not understand when they get tired of me. Tell them sorry that I did not reciprocate their energy. Tell them sorry that I didn’t wait longer. Tell them sorry that I hurried. Tell them sorry that I didn’t say the things I should. Tell them sorry that I realized things when they were too late. Tell them sorry that I made them feel bad about themselves. Tell them sorry that I didn’t at least explain my actions. Tell them sorry that I had no explanation for some of my actions.

I should tell them that they all deserve a great life. Tell them they deserve happiness. Tell them they deserve peace. Tell them they deserve love.

But I guess I don’t need a series of freak accidents and my impending death (hopefully not soon) to say dumb shit like that. It should come out, day by day, in the moment. Because we don’t know what time and life and fate has in store for us. We only have now.

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