What The Water Taught Me

It comes unexpectedly, but it has always been there. It whispers behind your ear in tiny drips of leaky faucets until the world and your mind is silent for you to finally hear it. And then when you do, your eyes see it for the first time. The quiet whispers become a reality, a movie montage set in your own life, unfolding and revealing. And then your brain takes it in, seeps it through, sinks it underneath until you finally comprehend what has been there all along.

Sometimes it comes to you gradually like waters of a river flowing to the ocean: slow and a little rocky. Sometimes it comes like a waterfall: wild, loud and overwhelming.

You try to pretend that it’s not there. You try to delay the inevitable with any possible distraction. Booze. Books. Drugs.  Work. Sex. Sleep. You think you are not ready, lying to yourself with everything laid in front of you. All you have to do is accept it but you don’t want to.

But then it all becomes to much. The water becomes to high that it goes past your knees, your chest, your head. You hold your breath to try to survive through it.

Except it’s as stubborn as you.

It gets deeper. It makes your chest constrict. It makes your body feel heavy.

And when that doesn’t work it gives you waves. Dragging, pulling, and and flipping you inside and out.

The moment you let go of that air in your lungs you release the remaining parts of your denial in a gasp that is momentarily stopped as it swallows you, goes through you and into you. A part of you.

That’s what it’s like.

Falling in and out of love.

Things That Are Not Taught in College But Totally Should

As a new adult (I’ve just officially merged into the zombie kingdom last year), there are a lot of things that I still don’t know after college. I want to go back to my university and give back my diploma, saying ‘You need to take this back, I’m not ready for this’, like a prodigal son to the school debt system. I only felt more ignorant than I already did, unprepared for the next thirty years of my life.

And so as an educator and possibly future college professor (because apparently four years of torture is not enough for me), if I had a chance to create a new curriculum for general subjects in college, here are the additional courses to take. These will be in the syllabus of every single profession in university:

1. Tax 101: What is tax? Why should we file our taxes? Why should we be scared if we don’t file our taxes? Will we go to jail if we don’t file our taxes?

2. Tax 102: How do we file our taxes? How do we know what to file? What benefits do we get if we file our taxes correctly? How long do we stay in jail for if we don’t file/cheat on filing our taxes?

3. Salary Budgeting: Just how much of my salary can I allot to my Star Wars collection before I starve to death?

4. Food and Health: Can I live out of eating pizza alone? What if it has vegetables, can I live out of that? Can I not drink water and just chocolate milk? Is butter a carb?

5. Dynamics of Family: How long is the acceptable time for me to live with my parents after graduating? How do I tell my parents that I am going to move out of the house? Or how do I tell them that I will never, EVER leave?

6. Advance But Actually Basic Home Economics: How do we do laundry? How do we distinguish which clothes are for hot and cold water? How do we erase stains? Do I really have to wash the dishes every day? Is it possible for me to not take a shower for a week without smelling like a hobo?

7. Pharmacy for Non-Drug Dealers: Will taking more than one pill/tablet kill me or will it make me heal faster? How many pills/tablets can I take before I overdose? Can I take expired pills or will I die from them? Can someone overdose from ascorbic acid? What about morning after pills?

8. Sex Education for Consenting Adults: What sex positions could possibly kill me or my partner? What exactly does a yeast infection look like? Can I die from an STD? What exactly can make me pregnant? (Some people are still very stupid on this subject)

9. Everything About Cars: What car should I get depending on my preferences? How do you change a spare tire? What do we do when the engine dies? Or if it is overheated?

10: Human Relations: Up to what extent can I be sarcastic and rude without hurting anyone? How can I tell if someone has mental issues? How do we deal with people with these kind of issues? How do we deal with our own?

Why We All Have That Permanently Temporary Person

I have come to realize that a majority of us, whether male or female, has this kind of person. You know, the one that comes and goes like tidal waves in your toes.

You know there’s no future with them. Their random calls and texts of ‘Sup?’ are a clear signs of you being their booty call. You know you’re a part of their harem and you talk and get together when you’re the flavor of the month. They probably have a circulation, where you have a specific time to be in their place and when your time is up, well, sayonara until next time! It’s like job interviews but we keep coming back because they tell you they’ll call you but surprise! You don’t get the job.

Everything is temporary and fast-paced nowadays and sadly relationships have become one too.

Every time someone from my past texts me randomly I keep thinking if they’re doing this to me. I’m not an idiot, I know a fuccboi when I see one, let alone talk to one. The real question is why do I let them do it to me?

Why do we sell ourselves short with these kinds of people who most likely is not as invested as we are? Out of fear that no one will compare to them in the future? Sheer stupidity blinded by love? Gives great orgasms?

We need to cut them out of our lives, but before we do, tell them how much hurt they put you through. Don’t let them continue through life without knowing the damage they did and could possibly do to people.

From What Ifs to Oh Wells

Hello. It’s been a while.

Don’t worry, I’m doing fine. But I have to admit I do feel like I’m not myself lately, with my dreamless nights and I-feel-like-I’m-going-to-die-soon anxiety attacks as any indication. I still, however, find myself seeing life with my rose-colored sarcastic glasses so I’m half swimming half drowning. And with that in mind, I needed my me time the way I know best- binge watching TV series and/or movies. Case in point, I watched What If today. It took me 3 years and here I am post-movie, wondering why on earth am I making this blog entry.

Is it because I am intentionally making myself lack sleep so that I will be miserable and grumpy tomorrow morning (like that isn’t normal for a grade school teacher)? Or is it that right now my sister is hanging out with a guy he’s casually dating and having sleepovers with downstairs and I’m no idiot to be sleeping and letting them be (I’ve been there so I’m no idiot)? Or is it because my mind is running with so much thoughts I might be having a headache over it which I need to let out or I might die in my sleep from stress? Maybe all of the above. That’s a good answer. I always make it a point to make those kind of items in the tests I make. Kids should know they can have more than one choice in life.

Anyway!


This movie was highly recommended by someone special before, but I never got around into seeing it up until now. Thanks friends who might have downloaded this illegally and let me copy it from their hard drive.

I guess like with everything, I take a while to realize and internalize things. Like this movie. Like my emotions. Like my life.

I’ve got a lot of what ifs. And those what ifs are greater than my what is(es?). I know it makes me a coward, but at least I’m a smart coward. The kind of coward that won’t look like a fool. It’s not very fulfilling, but it’s safe. And doing something to change that will mean changing who I am, and I’ve changed so much over time that some of them aren’t ideal and I quite regret them, but I can’t go back anymore.

There are moments in life that I wish had been different. There were times in my life that I wish I had said something to change the outcome. There were people that I wish I didn’t let slip by just because I thought ‘What if I was bothering them?’ or ‘What if they don’t feel like talking right now?’ or ‘What if they don’t feel like talking to me at all?’. It sounds crazy, but it’s true. I don’t like pestering people.

So my what ifs turn into oh wells, and I just learn to live with them. Granted sometimes it feels miserable, like I want to call the Doctor and take the TARDIS and just slap my past self and say ‘Just do something! Any fucking thing!’. But as much as I love Doctor Who, I know that it’s not real. I know that I have to be realistic. I know that I have to face the consequences of my actions, or lack thereof. Plus touching your past self will make a time paradox and will just rip the entire universe and all its parallels apart.

Anyway! (Again)

So take it from someone who has a lot of what ifs that turned into oh wells, don’t end up being miserable like me. What ifs will keep you up at night, quite longer than fucking it up even. Do what you have to do to change what you can. You can laugh off and cringe at them at a later time, it’s much better than carrying it around all the time like a masochistic twat. Take my word for it. It’s probably too late for me, but not for you.

Rebounds Can Be Fuck Boys Too

When I got out of my long term relationship I did not expect for someone to immediately come into my life and try to replace what I lost.

So maybe I got tempted because I was used to always being with someone. Even if it was long distance, the thought of having someone comforted me for a while. At least I know that I’m not alone, and that’s okay.

Until it wasn’t.

Of course you’d want to have quality time with your significant other. Of course you’d want to go on dates with them, spend special events together, meet and talk about something positive or negative after a day, and just lie around and just… be together. That’s why it doesn’t always work, and that’s why mine didn’t.

So when there was finally someone who can do that for me, who was there, I gave it a go. And guess what, looking back at it now makes me laugh and cringe at the same time.

We only want the rebound as a replacement for what we have lost. To give us what we did not have in our previous relationship. Most importantly, to not feel the loneliness. But we never really separate the rebounds from our exes, because we want them to be like our exes.

Usually we all feel bad for the rebounds, right? But let me tell you my story.

My rebound was a fucking asshole. First, he was courting my friend. Then passed to me. I never wanted my friend to feel bad because I’ve previously experienced that so we told my friend about his plans. I did that courtesy, not him.

The next few days he was so creepy, he acted that we were together. Called me every morning, noon, and night. The funny part about it? He wouldn’t walk me home because, and I quote “We’re not even together.”

There were times that he would tell me he would make me feel better by making me work out and lose weight. He even said I looked like a local teen celebrity if I wasn’t so fat.

He only wanted me for the good parts and didn’t understand that I’m not okay. Of course as a strong independent woman  I wasn’t taking that shit so I dumped him. Told him I needed space. But in reality I just wanted him away from me because that guy was so toxic.

I’d be biased if I just said the messy parts. He was a very good listener. And he cuddles like a teddy bear. But he’s like Ted, cute and cuddly on the outside but an asshole on the inside. So I dumped his sorry ass and now he can’t touch this.

Sometimes rebounds are not those people who want to help you get over your exes by replacing them, instead they are the people who take advantage of you in your most vulnerable state. No decent man would ever jump in like that to a girl who just went through a nasty breakup. To this day, I believe that my ex is a lot better than my rebound despite what happened to us. I still talk to him. My rebound? I wish I never met the guy.

Lesson? Don’t do rebounds, even if they’re intention is good and pure and holier than thou or not. It will always end up in a shithole. You can move on by yourself without crutching on anyone.

What You Deserve

They say you accept the love you think you deserve, but we forgot the part where we fall short with ourselves. We see our flaws like they are open scars, see our imperfections like anomalies. Why do we think so low of ourselves? Why do we think we don’t deserve that kind of utter bliss? Why do we put ourselves down and wonder why we stay this low?

Our conceit makes us more self-absorbed, and combined with our negativity, makes us have low self-esteem. It makes us feel undeserving.

Well just in case you still don’t know, and maybe you try go deny, I will tell you so you better listen:

You deserve someone who raises their eyebrows at you with astonishment and bewilderment, like you’re someone they have never seen before.

You deserve someone who makes you look at your flaws and imperfections like it’s something that makes you real. You deserve someone who doesn’t see you as perfect, because you know deep down you’d let them down eventually. No one is perfect and everyone is unique, what you can only be is real. You deserve someone who thinks that is enough.

You deserve someone who will scoff and shake their heads at your silly little quirks and eccentricities and wonder how the hell did someone become this downright crazy, but they look back at you with a smile anyway.

You deserve someone who will laugh with you when you talk about your embarrassing moments, or your favorite shows, or your ridiculous family stories.

You deserve someone who will listen to your dreams and want to be a part of them. You deserve someone who will hear about your fears and will hold your hand when you face them. You deserve a sidekick, you are the hero.

You deserve someone who will frown at you when you do something that is not who you are and won’t make you happy.

You deserve someone who will let you go when you want to find yourself, and will wait until you come back.

You deserve someone who will not make you wait in vain. You deserve someone who will not let you wonder what they feel about you. You deserve someone who will not play with your feelings and use you as a pastime.

You deserve someone who loves you back.

You deserve to be loved even if you think you don’t.