Twenty Four

I feel like I’m older from the way I look. Sometimes I think I can feel it when my cells are changing, when my skin is peeling away, when my body is getting rounder with the pounds I am gaining.
I feel like I’m older from the way I strive from day to day. I no longer have the energy to stay up all night and wake up early in the morning. I can’t remember the last time I attempted at a winged eyeliner because of how I would rush every day to work. I don’t even like wearing makeup during the weekends. I get dragged by the slow and torturous flow of traffic, wasting my time and strength to get from one place to another. I spend most of my food stress eating.

I feel like I’m older from the way I have to understand people. Younger or older than me, I have to adjust for their expense. Mostly because it’s my obligation to do so, but because I don’t want anymore conflicts to resound. I know they’ll always think they’re right, that I’ll never win. Millennials are such troubled people, they say. I carry the weight of the people and the world on my shoulders even if I don’t have to, because the rest are happy in their ignorant bliss. I have come to the realization to just simply accept that.

I feel like I’m older from the way I see things. Every other sunset looks different, but beautiful all the same. Every other person’s flaws, including mine, looks hideous in our own eyes. Every other movie, every other song, and every other television show is not just a simple filler of silence, or feeder of eyes, but a window through what I perceive to be worth my time and emotions.

I feel like I’m older from the way I want something. Some people dream to be rich, powerful, smart, beautiful. There’s nothing wrong with that. But I go day to day, grinding myself, and yet only having a simple dream: to be a happy stay at home mom. It’s such a contrary from the ultimate working girl reputation I’ve got going on, with my ivory tower and closed guard. Eventually these lavishes gets so tiring that you just want the simple things so life doesn’t get so complicated.

I feel like I’m older, but like ten times more or ten times less. I’ll always want to be someone who is wise beyond my years, but still have that childlike wonder. To see the world as if it was the first but look at it deeply than others. To grow old but not grow up. Like an age limbo where I can be anything and everything.

When I hear how people my age are striving to be so many things, at first it saddens me, but then it resonates. It’s not because they’re lost and have no idea who they are, it is because they can be so many things in so many ways that the world cannot pigeonhole them into a single person when in fact, those fragments build up to what and who exactly they are.

Twenty four doesn’t sound promising, but it’s not so bad.

If Love Is

The way we talk

about everything under the stars

until it becomes under the sun

The way we still think

we’re cute while on

our drunken stupor

The way we tease

each other and end up concurring

because it’s true

The way we make

a thousand miles

seem so close

The way the years

that we’ve known each other

are not enough for a lifetime

The way we realize

‘You’ve been there all along’

then so be it

What 2016 Made Me Realize

Remember when Kylie Jenner said 2016 was a year of realizing stuff? That lady is a shaman. Because it was true.

1. It’s okay to want new things.

Everyone who knows me will tell you straight away that I am a chicken girl. I love chicken, especially the thigh part. Bur thanks to a lot of short cooking videos, I have learned to like fish, particularly salmon. Salmon is my favorite fish. Cook it in any way and I will eat it. I’m like Jennifer Coolidge in A Cinderella Story. I need more salmon! And guess what? I like it better than chicken. And I think it’s okay to want something new after a few years of wanting the same thing.

2. There is nothing wrong with looking back.

When I was a kid, I was the girliest hoe out there. You can blame Legally Blonde too, because that movie was my anthem. I loved pink, everything pink. Then I grew up and changed into blue. I thought my pink-girly phase was over until last night on new year’s eve, when my family chose pink as the color theme for this year. There is always a part of my blue-loving self that will love pink. There’s nothing wrong with it.

3. It’s nice to feel afraid.

Now I don’t mean when someone is attempting to murder you that you would still feel nice about it. I’m talking about those times when you suddenly feel your heart leap, your pulse go fast, and your breath taken away. It’s a sign that you’re alive. To me, those kind of experiences are hard to find. For example, I like scary movies but scary movies don’t like me. Because I am a lousy viewer and reactor. Every time I watch a scary movie, I rarely get that feeling. I want to experience it more this 2017. Thus, #ayearofYES2017.

4. You find that one purpose in what you you and whatever it is, keep it.

The only reason I wake up and try to go to work every morning is because of my students. Not my salary. Not because my boss will look for me. It’s them. As much as they make me mad, sad, and cry, they inspire me to do it over and over again every week day. I love and hate them for it. I wish they knew that. I hope no matter how many students pass through me, I still have this kind of inspiration.

As for everyone else, go find that one thing. And if you can’t find it, maybe it’s time to look somewhere else.

5. Don’t disregard that change of heart and mind. It might be a sign.

Over the year, my perceptions of some people changed. People do change after all, but sometimes it takes a while to accept that when you’ve built this image of them in your head. And when they’re so different from it, it’s so hard to shake. You want them to be what you perceived them to be but the thing is they can’t. They have to be who they are, and what they are is something you cannot control.

And the thing about these epiphanies is that sometimes they can be exhilarating.

6. You’ll be more burdened with the things you didn’t do than the things you did.

I wish I did a whole lot more last year, but I don’t know, I guess life got ahead of me. And then at the end of year, I would whine about it when it’s my fault. I can’t keep doing that shit over and over again. I’m getting older. And if the people around me are too afraid to take that risk, I don’t want to be like them. Misery loves company. I don’t want to be miserable like them.

Knock knock mom and dad, your first born is a grown ass woman now. Loosen the leash, will you? You’ve trained me well anyway.

7. Finish what you started even if you’re tired, and when you’re done, finally rest.

Oh graduate school, you were so fun. But I’m drained out. Work is killing me. Don’t worry, I will push you through. I won’t give up. I just hope you won’t give up on me too.

Just like that saying, rest but don’t quit. Or in my words, chill but never kill. It. The task. Get it?

8. If you want to dance by yourself, THEN FUCKING DANCE.

People underestimate how much I love to dance by myself. Sadly, I haven’t done that in a while. But when I do, my soul is happier. So audience or no, I will do it. Because it makes me happy even if I look stupid.

Find that thing that makes you stupidly happy and do it.

What The Water Taught Me

It comes unexpectedly, but it has always been there. It whispers behind your ear in tiny drips of leaky faucets until the world and your mind is silent for you to finally hear it. And then when you do, your eyes see it for the first time. The quiet whispers become a reality, a movie montage set in your own life, unfolding and revealing. And then your brain takes it in, seeps it through, sinks it underneath until you finally comprehend what has been there all along.

Sometimes it comes to you gradually like waters of a river flowing to the ocean: slow and a little rocky. Sometimes it comes like a waterfall: wild, loud and overwhelming.

You try to pretend that it’s not there. You try to delay the inevitable with any possible distraction. Booze. Books. Drugs.  Work. Sex. Sleep. You think you are not ready, lying to yourself with everything laid in front of you. All you have to do is accept it but you don’t want to.

But then it all becomes to much. The water becomes to high that it goes past your knees, your chest, your head. You hold your breath to try to survive through it.

Except it’s as stubborn as you.

It gets deeper. It makes your chest constrict. It makes your body feel heavy.

And when that doesn’t work it gives you waves. Dragging, pulling, and and flipping you inside and out.

The moment you let go of that air in your lungs you release the remaining parts of your denial in a gasp that is momentarily stopped as it swallows you, goes through you and into you. A part of you.

That’s what it’s like.

Falling in and out of love.

Things That Are Not Taught in College But Totally Should

As a new adult (I’ve just officially merged into the zombie kingdom last year), there are a lot of things that I still don’t know after college. I want to go back to my university and give back my diploma, saying ‘You need to take this back, I’m not ready for this’, like a prodigal son to the school debt system. I only felt more ignorant than I already did, unprepared for the next thirty years of my life.

And so as an educator and possibly future college professor (because apparently four years of torture is not enough for me), if I had a chance to create a new curriculum for general subjects in college, here are the additional courses to take. These will be in the syllabus of every single profession in university:

1. Tax 101: What is tax? Why should we file our taxes? Why should we be scared if we don’t file our taxes? Will we go to jail if we don’t file our taxes?

2. Tax 102: How do we file our taxes? How do we know what to file? What benefits do we get if we file our taxes correctly? How long do we stay in jail for if we don’t file/cheat on filing our taxes?

3. Salary Budgeting: Just how much of my salary can I allot to my Star Wars collection before I starve to death?

4. Food and Health: Can I live out of eating pizza alone? What if it has vegetables, can I live out of that? Can I not drink water and just chocolate milk? Is butter a carb?

5. Dynamics of Family: How long is the acceptable time for me to live with my parents after graduating? How do I tell my parents that I am going to move out of the house? Or how do I tell them that I will never, EVER leave?

6. Advance But Actually Basic Home Economics: How do we do laundry? How do we distinguish which clothes are for hot and cold water? How do we erase stains? Do I really have to wash the dishes every day? Is it possible for me to not take a shower for a week without smelling like a hobo?

7. Pharmacy for Non-Drug Dealers: Will taking more than one pill/tablet kill me or will it make me heal faster? How many pills/tablets can I take before I overdose? Can I take expired pills or will I die from them? Can someone overdose from ascorbic acid? What about morning after pills?

8. Sex Education for Consenting Adults: What sex positions could possibly kill me or my partner? What exactly does a yeast infection look like? Can I die from an STD? What exactly can make me pregnant? (Some people are still very stupid on this subject)

9. Everything About Cars: What car should I get depending on my preferences? How do you change a spare tire? What do we do when the engine dies? Or if it is overheated?

10: Human Relations: Up to what extent can I be sarcastic and rude without hurting anyone? How can I tell if someone has mental issues? How do we deal with people with these kind of issues? How do we deal with our own?

Why We All Have That Permanently Temporary Person

I have come to realize that a majority of us, whether male or female, has this kind of person. You know, the one that comes and goes like tidal waves in your toes.

You know there’s no future with them. Their random calls and texts of ‘Sup?’ are a clear signs of you being their booty call. You know you’re a part of their harem and you talk and get together when you’re the flavor of the month. They probably have a circulation, where you have a specific time to be in their place and when your time is up, well, sayonara until next time! It’s like job interviews but we keep coming back because they tell you they’ll call you but surprise! You don’t get the job.

Everything is temporary and fast-paced nowadays and sadly relationships have become one too.

Every time someone from my past texts me randomly I keep thinking if they’re doing this to me. I’m not an idiot, I know a fuccboi when I see one, let alone talk to one. The real question is why do I let them do it to me?

Why do we sell ourselves short with these kinds of people who most likely is not as invested as we are? Out of fear that no one will compare to them in the future? Sheer stupidity blinded by love? Gives great orgasms?

We need to cut them out of our lives, but before we do, tell them how much hurt they put you through. Don’t let them continue through life without knowing the damage they did and could possibly do to people.