Balang Araw

May mga araw na rumaragasang sa bilis, mga araw na nakakamuti ng mata sa bagal. Isang segundo ay tila masyadong matagal o kaya’y wala na sa isang iglap lamang.

May mga araw na nararamdaman mo ang napakaraming bagay ng sabay-sabay na parang buhangin sa iyong paa tuwing ang alon ay tumatama sa iyong paa habang nakatayo sa dalampasigan-
unti-unti kang nilulunod, nilulubog.

May mga araw na wala kang maramdaman, nabubuhay upang huminga lang. Ramdam ang pagdaloy ng hangin at dugo sa iyong katawan, rinig ang tibok ng puso. Walang saya, walang lungkot, at wala ring kasiguraduhang buhay talaga.

May mga araw na minsan pakiramdam mo ang iyong sariling bahay, kasama, at katawan ay hindi mo tahanan. Na mistulang alam mong mayroon kang paglulugaran sa mundo pero di mo alam kung saan. May hinahanap ka na di mo alam kung ano. May tinatawag ka pero di mo alam kung sino.

May mga araw na pakiramdam mo alam mo na ang patutunguhan mo sa buhay, na alam mo na ang bawat hakbang na iyong tatahakin, alam ang daang susuyurin. Handa ka sa kahit ano mang parating, at kahit ano man ito ay malalampasan mo rin.

May mga araw na nagsasama-sama silang lahat-
ang oras ay mabilis at mabagal,
ang damdamin mo’y puno at walang laman,
ang buhay mo’y may saysay at walang katuturan-
at para kang isang bombang sasabog na
at gusto na lang mawala.

May mga araw na pipiliin mo na lang sabihin sa iyong sarili na maaayos din ang lahat,
hindi man ngayon,
hindi man bukas,
pero balang araw.

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Something To Read When You Feel Like Your Life is Too Messy

At times like these, we just all wish we had a rewind button. But rewind button is too cliché. And if you had one, you’d go far back as to your, I don’t know, birth? That is because you don’t ever remember having experienced pain, hurt, fear, and heartache. Also the thing about life is an awful roller coaster ride, with ups and downs. Sometimes it just happens that you’re down there too long that no matter how patient you are in waiting to get to the good part, climb up, that you just want to get off the ride because it’s so boring.

Life gets so boring, you wonder why you’re still given the time and space in this world, in this life.

So we either do two things. One, we find plenty of ways to regain that feeling, or any feeling at all. We go through such lengths that involve the unusual, the bizarre, and then the uncharacteristic and sometimes immoral/illegal. The crazy lengths we have to go through makes everyone else put a distance from you, or worse, condemn and ostracize you. Honestly, you’d rather they just leave you alone than tell you what to do with your life. If you wanted help, you would have asked, right?

And second, you get so tired of it all that you just want to end it.

Everyone knows those two things, but there was that one obvious answer we often forget in which we really need.

You just need to rest. What we need is a pause button.

Whether it be a vacation, a retreat, or a simple timeout. Hell, it can even be a small bathroom break. All it just takes is a time for yourself, remember who you are, what you really want to do and become.

I’ve always thought the point of roller coasters were not the feelings of the highs. It makes my stomach queazy and awful, so I don’t like it at all. Nor is it the lows, the plummeting down, because I’m afraid of heights. What I like, and what I think is the purpose of me riding a roller coaster is the view. Open space, clear skies, and the fresh air despite coming from the speed of the ride, is what I’m in it for.

Life can get high and low, bumpy and smooth, good or bad, but when you never lose sight of what matters most, then the messiness of it all doesn’t seem as colossal at it does at the moment. To some, it might seem like you’re trying to forget, project, or even neglect. But the view looks too good for every other distraction, am I right?

Today I Wish You Knew

Having one person to share all of your thoughts, secrets, and demons within is a lie. Each person you know knows a fraction of who you are, not as a whole. But there is only one person you always want to talk to about everything- that even if there’s everybody else, it doesn’t feel as good as when you tell that person. It doesn’t matter what your relationship is with them either. Connection is what you’re looking for, and you can connect with a stranger far more deeper than a childhood friend.

It doesn’t matter if it’s something trivial as how beautiful the sunset looked today as you walked home. Something profound as a passage you discovered from this new book you’re reading. Something simple as a new episode of The Handmaid’s Tale coming out today. Something debilitating as how you feel like everything is too much and you hate making small talk with people and just want to be left alone for a while and yet you feel lonely for something but don’t know what it is.

But the thing about those persons is that they often have lives of their own, one that might not include you anymore for different reasons. And when you suddenly have the urge to talk to them but can’t yet wish you would, the question is, does that make you selfish?

I wish I didn’t have to fight for people to stay in my life. If they wanted to be, they will be. Everyone seems to be having that same mindset lately. But if we kept waiting around on each other, nothing will ever be done, now wouldn’t it?

I’ve learned that it’s all give and take. When you give, you give what you can. When you tire, you rest. When you give up, you leave. Of course you can leave, you’re human after all. We’re all capable of having fickle hearts at certain times of weakness in our lives. It’s not a crime to fail, to give up, to forget.

But like the sunset that you witnessed, the book you’re reading, the show you’re watching, and the feeling you’re having, this will have to end and you will have to finish it. The walking around on each other. The silent dance. 

It is then that you realize that your persons can leave you, and that you can find another one again. And it will feel so different yet so intense as well.

I wanted to tell you so many things that my boring life has had lately, but I don’t see any point of it anymore. You can ask, and I will tell, I just won’t push again. I’ve done it a lot that I must sound crazy and silly and desperate to some. I guess I should keep all these experiences, feelings, and moments to myself so I can tell it to someone who will be my new person. I don’t know if I’ll find another one, I’m hoping I will. Until then, like my love, I’ll keep it hidden and tucked away to someone who’ll take good care of it.

When Someone Said I Needed a Holiday, I Said

What is a bed
when you lie down
and still your mind
shouts and rings and cries
with your thoughts,
your life on replay like a bad sitcom,
and your regrets
play in your head?

What is an empty room
when it’s filled with
the suffocating air
of the words that
you ache to say,
or did say
but wanted to take back-
mixing with the
sounds of the air condition-
and you wonder if
it’s either keeping you cool
or coldhearted?

What is a nice stroll
on a quiet park
when you have
the fear that someone
might mug you,
rape you,
kill you,
or worse,
see that you’re
lonely and alone?

What is a recluse
on a deserted island
when the waves
remind you of
the things, the people
that came and went in your life,
and how you, like the sand,
was never the same since then?

What is rest
of all kinds and places
when all you ever wanted
and needed and craved
was a person,
a feeling,
a moment,
a chance?

I Like Staying In Thrift Bookshops

Amidst the crooked spines
and the tattered pages
and the smell of
aging paper,
I found my place
in this world.

Left with marks-
like fingerprints and
coffee stains-
once touched,
never the same.

After giving pleasure
abandoned, discarded
they’ve seen it all before,
sometimes more
than once.

I’d like to think
that the next
person to touch me
will keep me
this time.

A Year

is the time
that we spent together-
laughing and crying
and loving
and loving still
until you had to go.

A year
is the time
that we spent apart-
wondering and worrying
and loving
and loving still
but decided to let go.

A year
is the time
that you came back-
trying and failing
and loving
and loving still
but not the same way anymore.

A year
is the time
that I moved on-
wishing and praying
and loving
and loving still
even if it’s not you anymore.

If By Any Chance You Still Love Me

You have to know
that I am not the same woman
as I was before.
You once wanted me
because I was the kind
of person who would
never do anything cruel.
But the world, time, and my loneliness
have made me the woman
you said you did not want.

You have to see
that I have changed for
I no longer look like
the delicate angel that will
touch your hair and
kiss your lips.
I am the iron maiden
in my ivory tower
that you must fight before
you get a taste.

You have to hear
my voice.
My once joyous laugh
has gone to a better place,
and is now replaced with
a dark chuckle
on a good day.

Most of all
you have to see
my demons,
my fear,
my shame,
and wonder if this is what you made me.
If this is what I would always be.
If this is what has been me all this time,
and if you will still love me the same.