After You

It’s been days since the end and I feel nothing. Other than my perpetual cold, erratic moments that I cannot breathe, and the seemingly normal stress headache which are all physical ailments, I think it’s safe to say that I’m okay.

But the fact that I’m okay makes me feel that I am not okay.

What happened to me? Why do I feel this way? I feel more terrible for the fact that I don’t feel anything at all. It doesn’t make much sense but that’s how it is.

Is this how it’s like when you already know it has already ended before the final straw? The blow only came and went in a matter of minutes, hours maybe, in the wake of the morning when I checked my messages then act like nothing happened- that a part of you has fallen out- and go on with my life. I had work in an hour then, the thought of it shoved on the deepest corners of my head.

And then there are nights like these that makes you want to clear up the clutter and then you remember. And I remember perfectly clear from the beginning to the end- like a montage in a movie- in my head it makes it hurt.

The ending was so apt. How else would we have ended things but in the coldest, formal way possible? Me being the enraged bitch that I am, and you being the apathetic asshole that you are, it was expected of us. I was always the fire and you were the cold and now we’re both left into whatever is in between- ashes and smoke and puddles.

So how do I feel? Why don’t I know? Am I that much of an asshole not to feel anything?

Have I fully lost all my fire because of you?

I want to cry but I have no tears. I want to yell but the words of anger I have had run out and are pointless to say now.

I am a heartless monster. I would blame you for making me this way, but I have no one to blame but myself. I built my walls, cemented it dry, barricaded it shut. I need it up or I don’t know what will happen.

It’s probably for the best to keep it that way.

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